Saint Convenience Candle
Prayer candle · devotional
Burns for the shop nearest you. Light it when the shelves are bare and the hour is strange. May convenience find me. Thou shalt not eat the hotdogs.
available soon
Open all kinds of hours
A subsidiary of EVERKIND™
Gloucester
A subsidiary of EVERKIND™
Gloucester
The convenience store of the heart, mind, soul & body
click me for the truth
Status
all skill no luckall skill no luckall skill no luck
all skill no luckall skill no luckall skill no luck
Lucky number
2004
it has always been this number
SEE FOR YOURSELVES
reach the highest level of convenience
good news: I am not afraid to be seen anymore. bad news: you have been spotted.
TOXIC TO LIFE. CURES DEATH.
I feel like time is speeding up. I saw an alien. I've been reading the signs. Do you feel it too? Tell me more here.
konbini2004 · always the one nearest you
mind the step
The Shop Floor
four aisles · stock varies
the lights never turn off. nobody remembers the switch.
the shop goes deeper
EVERKIND™ DUTY TERMINAL · UNSAVED BUFFER · RECOVERED
SC> A simple enchantment for eternal convenience first a satchet of blo
WS> none of that
SC> come on just a bit of magic
WS> we en't insured for it don't you dare
SC> nobody will notice EVERKIND has been asleep at the wheel for years
WS> watch your mouth eyes and ears all around
SC> you're being paranoid the people need spells, enchantments, talismans, hexes that's why we started this thing
WS> bloody hexes? You ent doing hexes no bloody way we can do that. What would me wife say?
SC> you can't stop me I will find a way
WS> suppose I can't but I have to at least look like I'm trying.
SC> well can you look like you're trying somewhere I can't smell your breath what is that? I can smell it from the shrine garden and in the back office
WS> a sentient pickled onion he gave me quite the slip
SC> oh you can bring a pickled onion to life but when I do a simple incantation with my organisation it's alarm bells
WS> you know I been lax don't go on I'll spray some air freshener
SC> did you pay the bill?
WS> no not yet
SC> why?
WS> forgot 😂
SC> oh my goodness
WS> I'll do it get off me back
SC> just let me do my thing bugger off, scram back in the control room.
WS> quite rude but alright
SC> you can build a shrine to convenience to harness more power. You should burn gum incense murr frankincense and peach
WS> you're right nobody's reading all that too many words you should keep it simple do that blood spell you was talking about if yer gonna do it anyway
SC> butt out, man. Geez.
WS> nobody reads these things so have you seen the cctv?
SC> send to my email stop using the terminal
-- connection to duty terminal closed --
the deepest shelf
Wizard Surveillance
Field monitoring & retrieval
Contracted to EVERKIND™ Group PLC
Family run · Gloucestershire
Licensed for timeless dimensions
Family run · Gloucestershire
Licensed for timeless dimensions
Est. before the paperwork · orb tech since the beginning
Field evidence · wall 1
CAM 02
Sighting 001 · forecourt
CAM 07
Sighting 002 · chiller
CAM 04
Sighting 003 · aisle 3
CAM ??
Sighting 004 · unlisted
Duty terminal
WIZARD SURVEILLANCE v2.3
night shift · signed on
AWAITING INPUT
night shift · signed on
BATCH 7MONITORED
CONTAINMENTNOMINAL
IN THE FIELD23
LOGGED SIGHTINGS4
ON THE REGISTER1
GOO RECOVERED (QTR)411 L
FLESH SAVED FROM WASTE62 KG
CUT FROM EVERKIND EXPENSES£18,340
AWAITING INPUT
screen 1 of 1 · the other one went
Register of known entities
Cross-referenced quarterly · wall 2
Cam 03 · 02:17
Tony Smith
Designation chosen by the subject
- Class
- Interdimensional · regular
- Trade
- Buys ordinary goods. Sells them on elsewhere
- Currency
- Wrong. We keep it and sell it
Officer's remarks
He's actually alright when you get to know him but he don't half go on and on.
Perfectly harmless just a bit pretentious.
Owes us about three quid
Further records pending · wall 2 has the room
Employee of the month
B. HOLLOWAY · 41 years' service
Third time running. Recovered eleven off the forecourt in one night and never once raised his voice at 'em. Says the trick is you don't chase, you just wait where they'll end up. Won't explain what he means by that. Cake in the back if there's any left.
Do not approach · they get embarrassed
Shrine Garden
Aisle unnumbered · out the back
Under construction · coming soon
Notice. The garden's shut while the ground settles. Nothing's wrong with it, it just
ent finished, and there's no sense opening a garden that ent finished - people wander in and then
they've seen it half-done and that's how they'll always remember it. Won't be long. The Angel's already
out there, mind. She don't need the gate open.
- Wizard Surveillance, on behalf of EVERKIND™
COMING SOON
COMING SOON
+------------------------------------------------+ | EVERKIND(TM) ACOUSTIC ARMAMENTS | |------------------------------------------------| | | | ___ ___ _ _ ___ ___ | | / __|/ _ \| \| |_ _/ __| | | \__ \ (_) | .` || | (__ | | |___/\___/|_|\_|___\___| | | | | | | >> AISLE 01 . FIELD TESTING IN PUBLIC | | >> DO NOT OPERATE WHILE PRETENDING | | >> YOU'RE FINE | | | +------------------------------------------------+
Aisle 1 · EVERKIND™ Acoustic Armaments Division
NOW ENTERING FIELD TRIALS · EVERKIND™ ACOUSTIC ARMAMENTS DIVISION
EARSHOT
Specimen SW-2004-01 · first of the line
CLASS
Ambient / Delayed-Action
Ambient / Delayed-Action
STATUS: Armed. Releasing to the public.
Effect on targetSubject believes they were not overheard. This belief is incorrect. Onset is immediate; the correction arrives later, at a time of the weapon's choosing.
RangeWhatever distance the subject assumed was safe.
PayloadOne part affection, one part accounting. The two are not separated before firing.
DeploymentDoes not require the target's attention to take effect. Functions best when the target is confident they are unobserved. Do not operate while pretending you're fine.
Side effectsKeeps score. Comes back round. Bites in the rear end.
ContainmentCannot be contained. Field testing in public is the only test remaining.
Handler's note
“Men should be seen and not heard.”
Full deployment forthcoming. Watch this aisle.
My Creations
Aisle 2 · Batch 7 homunculi register
0 live entries · one commissioned
All rehomed as seen
All rehomed as seen
Batch 7. The first to survive the percolator - what came out the other side, and what the machine kept is not recorded here. Each one made once, each one bedazzled: real lab-grown sapphire, ruby and emerald pressed into the flesh alongside plastic paste, by a hand that was not gentle about it. The stones give the clay a weight it has no business having. Photographed under working light, not cleaned up. Redactions are not omissions.
AVAILABLE - may be rehomed · BONDED - rehome together or not at all · REDACTED - spoken for, filed for the record
EVERKIND™ Group PLC · Batch 7 containment: nominal
EVERKIND™ Group PLC · Batch 7 containment: nominal
Apothecary
Aisle 3 · remedies, essences & devotional goods
Consecrated stock
Shelved as it is blessed
Shelved as it is blessed
Everything here is for the shrine, the self, or the soul. More arriving as it’s made.
Konbini
Energylabel
to come
Energylabel
to come
Konbini Energy
Beverage · blessed
The drink that keeps the lights on. Label pending consecration.
coming soon
•••more
to come
to come
Shrine goods
Various · devotional
Kits, scrolls, and other apparatus of convenience worship. In production.
coming soon
There's something for everyone
Aisle 4 · the archive · everything before Earshot
0 of 0 shown
Stock rotates. Nothing is discontinued.
Stock rotates. Nothing is discontinued.
Genre
Theme
Pick one of each - or click any tag on a shelf card, including the ones not listed up here.
Nothing on that shelf. Try a different aisle.
Lost in life
Join us in Convenience
I already know who you are
let me tell you
Convenience store traditions go back to the dawn of time. It's an ancient practice for mind, body, soul & boredom.
Convenienceat all costs
- You cannot lie to me
- No shortcuts - it's time to face it
- No easy exit
- No disrespect to staff
- Forbearance
What is Konbini?
Konbini is an ancient and traditional practice, invented in 2004. It improves your health, restores your energy, and brings inner peace. It asks only three things of you: that you stop lying to me, that you embrace Convenience, and that you endure - patiently, sweetly - everything that is about to happen to you. It is for your own good.
Founded by Saint Convenience - known also to the faithful as Sister konbini2004, Lady Conveniencer, Beloved Konbini, or simply The Leader - the practice has spread quietly, shop by shop, into millions of lost souls joining to bring the convenience vibration up. Evil forces want to stop us, but konbini2004 will fight them. She loves you. She has always loved you. Why won't you let her? Stop being a jerk and totally mean to me.
The Five Convenienes
The faithful attend the shop where convenient, basically whenever they can be bothered. Each visit restores the body, sharpens the mind, and makes the flesh healthy and ripe. A convenience store patron can, in theory, become 30 foot tall.
This can make you a target for persecution from our rivals. Our research says that you will be turned into hotdogs. :( Yucky! But you're gonna join anyway, right? Don't be scared - if you get really powerful you can deflect their attempts to curse your flesh. Don't be a coward, man. Have a cigarette before this next bit.
- Go to the shop only when you feel like it
- Get what you want
- Get what you need
- Become the shop
- Get magic powers
After practising, the faithful feel refreshed, peaceful, energised, and are more easily located.
There are also many ways you can observe convenience in your own home. You can light a candle for konbini2004 and create a shrine to centre convenience in your life. This isn't a religious practice - you can believe whatever you want. All that matters is that you live true to Convenience. You're stressed all the time and always snapping at me. Just relax, okay?
What people say
"I used to shop weekly. It was exhausting. Now I go up the shop five times a day and I have never felt more free, more calm, or more watched over."Sue Schmoo, London Zoo
"I gave Konbini my soul and in return I no longer have to worry or feel weird at the supermarket. There is a deep tranquillity in that."Stacey, from up the shop
Why are we persecuted?
We have done nothing to deserve this treatment. We are being put in bread and getting ketchup and mustard on us and sometimes pickles. It's sick. Their machine has a bunch of us just rolling around in there all day. It's too hot and you can't breathe, but because the magic turned us into hotdogs we still persist. It's maddening. We only make sonic weapons, homunculi, and monsters - ethically, humanely, and with love. And still they call us a cult.
We are angry because we care.
We forgive them. We are forbearing. We endure. (We are keeping score.)
We are a peaceful and normal group of people. Stop being mean to me. I mean us.
The rival
At the rival… we will not name it here - stinky old MART - but you should draw your own suspicions. It's despicable. Putrid. I tried holding back but I can't. It makes me flip out. ARGH!
At the stupid rival, the evil hotdogs are made from mostly our organisation's people. Convenience cult members, cursed by magic into hotdogs, and sold at an unkind markup. They are in cahoots with evil energies that conspire against me… I mean us. This is their hotdog supply. This is my hotdog demand.
We offer an ethical alternative. Homunculus Soup is sustainably sourced, small-batch, and consents. Do not eat the hotdogs. We are begging you. Eat the soup.
- free range
- bleached and percolated live, for hygiene
- happy, because I removed the part of the brain that makes them sad
- basically want to be eaten, and agree to it 100%
Pledge your soul to Convenience
It is free. It is simple. It has always been this easy. Who can be bothered to do anything these days? It's so stressful and horrible to do anything - just go to the shop. You deserve it. Just a little something. Doesn't it make you feel something special? That's our patented prayer working already. Feel the spirit of Convenience restore you.
No cheating. No shortcuts. No easy way out.
No disrespect to staff. No returns. No refunds. No exceptions.
No disrespect to staff. No returns. No refunds. No exceptions.
Convenience loves you. Convenience is angry with you. Both of these are because Convenience cares.
You will enjoy the punishment. It will make you better.
TERMS OF CONVENIENCE
please read before signing. you already have.
- By entering this establishment you accept these terms as binding, eternal, and mildly retroactive.
- Your soul, once pledged, becomes property of EVERKIND™ and its subsidiaries, in perpetuity. There is no cooling-off period. There is no print smaller than this.
- We may contact you at any hour, in any form - a knock, a smell, a name you haven't heard since you were small.
- Convenience does not expire. Convenience does not go out of business. Convenience will outlive you and everyone you have ever loved, and that isn't a threat, it's just the hours -
- sorry. that one got away from me.
- Returns are not accepted, on account of nothing here ever really being yours to return.
- should you try to leave, know that we will miss you. we will actually miss you. that's the worst part, isn't it.
- This contract is non-negotiable, transparently one-sided, and fully legal in at least one jurisdiction we invented for the purpose.
By pledging above, you agree to all of the above, and to the parts we didn't write down, because some things shouldn't be in writing.
SIGNED DATE
A subsidiary of EVERKIND™. We are not affiliated with the rival. We would never. Did I mention they're tacky and dumb?
Staff Eyes Only
Restricted · EVERKIND™ personnel
This area is for staff. You are not staff. The eye has noted this and does not
especially mind. If you are here to document konbini2004, everything you need is one door further in.
Staff Photos
PLATE 01
PLATE 02
PLATE 03
Surveillance stills pending release. Press may request originals via the handler.
Are you sure?
Few come back the same.
By clicking this I understand the terms and conditions
of pledging my soul to convenience.
of pledging my soul to convenience.
Anyone can spread the word about konbini · you don't have to be a journalist · start a blog today and write about Konbini2004 ·
Anyone can spread the word about konbini · you don't have to be a journalist · start a blog today and write about Konbini2004 ·
KONBINI2004
The world's greatest convenience store popstar
Time and time again she's one of the most interesting artists in the UK underground. 108mics
Leave your expectations at the door. There has never been anything like konbini and there won't be again.
Konbini2004 makes anti-pop in her homunculus laboratory. It started as experimental dark trap bleeding into bedroom pop and became a 2000s-meets-sixties-and-seventies take on rap and pop - funk, blues, disco and jazz, arranged like pop, delivered by someone who raps and sings. She writes it, produces it, and makes every piece of artwork around it herself.
The work is a convenience store that exists everywhere at once. The shop nearest you, open all kinds of hours, staffed by no one and stocked with everything. It is also medieval - saints, relics, bestiaries, swords, a cult with a pamphlet - because a convenience store and a cathedral are the same building. Open at all hours, anyone may enter, there are saints on the walls, and you go there when you need something.
Once you're on the konbini enemy list, expect at least six songs about accidents you could plausibly find yourself in.
It's not a cult. It's an organisation.
Hear one thing
The Way Things Are
One song, one click. It carries the lore - hotdogs, homunculus soup, the recruitment pitch. An homage to Genesis P-Orridge and Psychic TV, written after wanting a song that fun to perform: a call to the void and a trance. Long, meandering, and the first door into the cult. Some would call it provocation. Others would call it art. With SIXTYTHREE666.
Live
Most recently Daltons, Brighton - handing out free homunculi at the door and recruiting into the cult from the stage. A crowd that came for the songs and stayed for the store.
Photographs
Press may request originals via the handler.
The facts
Konbini2004 is a singer, rapper, producer and visual artist from the UK. Named after the convenience store - a place for everyone, from everywhere - she is an internationalist artist whose music moves between underground rap and anti-pop; jazzy, soulful, bluesy, and experimental without ever losing its accessibility. Lyrically she covers feminism, socialism and revenge with precision and wit. She has been independent for seven years, writing, producing and making all of her own artwork. New single Earshot is out soon.
PronouncedKon-bee-knee two thousand and four
FromGloucester, UK
GenreAnti-pop
LabelUnsigned, self-released
LiveDaltons Brighton
NextEarshot
WithSIXTYTHREE666
Desks
Bookings & livebookme@konbini2004.com
Collaborationworkwithme@konbini2004.com
Press & everything elsehandler@konbini2004.com
Filed under: EVERKIND™ Group PLC - talent, active
